*That is an article from the Spring 2024 difficulty of Contentment Journal.
By Richard Citrin, PhD, MBA
When my spouse Sheila and I meet new folks, the query is inevitably posed to us, “What number of youngsters do you’ve got?” We at all times cease and have a look at one another, silently asking ourselves, “Do we expect this individual can deal with the reality, or ought to we simply give them the brief reply?”
The reality is that we had three youngsters, however two of our grownup youngsters died inside 5 years. Once we inform people who reply, we typically discover that people transfer on to speak with others or work to alter the dialog matter rapidly.
Our son, Ken, was 28 when he was identified with HIV-AIDS and concerned within the early trials for the medicine that might finally make AIDS a continual illness, although that improvement got here too late for him. His loss of life, after residing with AIDS for 4 years, was torturous as we watched him waste away bodily whereas his spirit fought each second, hoping to hold on till a treatment got here throughout his doorstep. He died in our lounge in Texas, surrounded by our household, with Sheila singing softly to him.
5 years later, in that very same lounge, our daughter, Corinne, who was 40 years previous referred to as us from Lincoln, Nebraska, in tears. Regardless of quite a few mammograms that have been all adverse, Corinne’s issues about her well being led to a blind biopsy that found a extremely aggressive type of breast most cancers. We instantly stopped what we have been doing to turn into part of Crew Corinne, supporting her husband, three babies, and her group of buddies in serving to her struggle this battle. Sheila stopped working and attended Corinne’s care when she started an experimental remedy program at MD Anderson Most cancers Heart in Houston. After a brave two-year battle that included a whole bunch of individuals shifting to assist Corinne and her household, she handed in a hospice room with paper doves on her door and many buddies and family members lining the hallway.
Corinne was a deeply non secular lady, and I bear in mind the phrases she shared with me once I talked about that everybody was praying for her restoration. She advised me “that each one prayers are answered, however generally the reply is not any.”
A number of months after Corinne died, my mom referred to as to inform me a few pal of hers who misplaced a son to suicide. “She is beside herself,” my mom advised me. Her pal didn’t depart her residence, was in fixed tears, and developed suicidal ideas herself. My mom needed to assist her, however she was inconsolable. She urged me to do no matter we might to keep away from that occuring. Sheila and I had no intention of letting that occur to us.
Intentionality guided our therapeutic journey. As psychological well being professionals, we acknowledge the affect of kid loss on marriages. Surprisingly, analysis by Compassionate Associates discovered that solely 16% of marriages finish in divorce after the loss of life of a kid, difficult widespread misconceptions.1 Nonetheless, we prioritized our grief, supporting one another and committing to progress.
Navigating the complexities of grief alongside my spouse, Sheila, I witnessed her outstanding journey of self-discovery by means of artwork, dance, and advocacy. Sheila was an expert dancer and bridged her work as a therapist to carry novel and inventive approaches to her work. On this subsequent section of her life, she developed an unwavering dedication to embracing grief as a catalyst for change in herself and her shoppers. She has impressed numerous people to reframe their views on loss and therapeutic.
One of many pivotal moments in Sheila’s therapeutic journey was after we participated in a workshop in Australia with a bunch of improvisational artists who’re a part of a worldwide group referred to as Interaction. Interaction makes use of improv artwork varieties for social good, private progress, and group advocacy. We have been in Sydney to review with native Aussies and carry out on the College of Sydney. Corinne was in remedy and steady and inspired us to go to the session for our self-care.
In a single explicit workshop session, Sheila and I started to share our story with others. As we moved in regards to the room, telling our story with track, phrase, and motion, Sheila moved into the group’s heart. She described this second in her ebook Warrior Mom.2
I started to sing with my eyes closed, in a considerably timid however deep and indignant voice: “What GOOD, what GOOD, what GOOD can come from THIS?” My voice obtained stronger once I heard the instrumentalists following my rhythm.
“What GOOD, what GOOD, what GOOD can come from THIS?”
I caught sight of the dancers and realized that considered one of them was
Richard, who was, in fact, as involved about Corinne as I used to be.
“What GOOD, what GOOD, what GOOD can come from THIS?”
After which the track started to alter, and a softening
got here into my voice and entire physique.
The track grew to become a prayer, “GOOD CAN come from THIS.
GOOD CAN come from THIS.”
The prayer became a pledge and promise, “GOOD WILL COME FROM THIS. GOOD WILL COME FROM THIS.”
Within the aftermath, because the track resonated all through my physique, I started to really feel, for the primary time, that it could.
Corinne’s journey continued for 2 years after we returned from that journey.
As an outflow of our grief, Sheila determined to study yet one more artwork kind and commenced attending the Iowa Author’s Summer time Workshops. Immersed in a group of writers and storytellers, she discovered solace in writing, channeling her grief into phrases and tales that comforted her. Via the workshops, Sheila found the therapeutic energy of storytelling, utilizing her personal experiences of loss to attach with others deeply and emotionally. She started to see the presents that grief gives.
Sheila’s dedication to grief advocacy considerably impacted her therapeutic journey. Decided to problem societal taboos surrounding grief and loss, she grew to become a vocal promoter for these navigating the complexities of grief. Via public talking engagements, workshops, and group outreach efforts, Sheila shared her story of loss and resilience in her shows and two books. Warrior Mom2 and her newest ebook, The Artwork of Grieving.3
For me, the trail to post-traumatic progress took form by means of skilled reinvention and a deep exploration of resilience. I first encountered resilience in my medical work once I was requested, together with colleagues, to satisfy with American Airways workers after 9/11, after we lived within the Dallas/Fort Price space. Over a number of months of assembly with pilots, flight attendants, gate brokers, and ramp staff, I noticed how their resilience moved them from grief to motion as they noticed their function in honoring their colleagues, serving to their firm, and therapeutic our nation.
My journey of therapeutic included searching for help by means of a research-based remedy program for classy grief. Sophisticated grief is grief that lasts over a yr, and in my case, I typically discovered myself weeping once I talked about our loss, even three years later. Over 16 weeks, I engaged in therapeutic interventions aimed toward navigating the complexities of loss and discovering resilience within the face of adversity. Via particular person remedy periods, group help, and experiential workouts, I realized to confront my grief head-on and discover which means amid ache. 
I additionally immersed myself within the research of resilience and constructive psychology. Drawing upon analysis and insights from main consultants within the discipline, I found new methods for dealing with adversity and fostering private progress within the face of trauma. From mindfulness practices to gratitude workouts, I developed a mannequin of resilience that goes past “bouncing again” to seeing how, within the face of hardships, I might use my energy of anticipation and preparation to plan for the adversity. Reasonably than simply bouncing again I might use adversity to study and develop—to bounce ahead. My work led to the publication of my ebook, The Resilience Benefit (with Alan Weiss).4
Sheila and I’ve solid a path by means of the trauma of our grief by counting on our resilience, thirst for studying, and cussed persistence. Maybe our nature or upbringing propelled us to create the intention to heal and to not linger within the ache that creates struggling. We nonetheless expertise the ache daily, however we don’t need to dwell there. It’s okay simply to go to. As we proceed to embrace the journey of post-traumatic progress, we’re reminded that inside each second of ache lies a risk that we honor Corinne and Ken’s reminiscence in the whole lot we do.
Within the face of life’s most formidable challenges, resilience emerges as a secret progress mechanism and a profound capability to thrive and evolve. There are a lot of paths to progress from trauma. Every individual should uncover their path, however our organic crucial to develop or die commits us to decide on the trail in direction of our freedom and, with it, post-traumatic progress.
References
- NFO Analysis on Behalf of The Compassionate Associates, Inc. A Survey of Bereaved Mother and father. 1999
- Collins, SK. Warrior Mom. She Writes Press, Berkeley, CA, 2013
- Collins, SK. The Artwork of Grieving. In Press, Earth Springs Press, Pittsburgh, PA 2024
- Citrin, RS and Weiss, A. The Resilience Benefit. Enterprise Skilled Press, New York, 2016