Just lately a meditation pupil who’s solely simply begun practising wrote to say that she’d skilled a bereavement. She puzzled if I had any options to assist her by way of the grieving course of.
I’ve to say to start with that I’m not a grief counsellor. I’m only a meditator who has ended up sharing what he’s realized about working with ache. And I additionally wish to add that I’m hesitant to offer recommendation in such conditions as a result of I understand how feeble phrases will be within the face of highly effective feelings. I way back gave up on the notion I as soon as held that there’s some magical type of phrases that may make every little thing higher.
Regardless of that, although, I do know that typically after we share our views with others (or after they do that with us) it may be useful. So right here’s an edited model of what I wrote to her.
Grief can after all be very painful. I feel the primary factor I’d emphasize is that the ache of loss may be very pure, and to be accepted. It’s widespread to suppose that there’s one thing flawed after we really feel ache, however when our life has been deeply entangled with that of one other being, the 2 of us are a part of one emotional system — a sort of shared love that flows between us. In that sort of a relationship we’re not, on an emotional degree, two completely separate beings. And so after we lose the opposite, it seems like part of us has been ripped out. It feels that manner as a result of that’s precisely what’s occurred.
So take a breath, and say, “It’s OK to really feel this.” It truly is.
Even those that are enlightened really feel grief.
Simply as one would put out a burning refuge with water, so does the enlightened one — discerning, skillful, and sensible — blow away any arisen grief, his personal lamentation, longing, and sorrow, just like the wind, a little bit of cotton fluff.
The Sutta Nipata
After we suppose there’s one thing flawed about feeling grief, then we add a second layer of struggling, which is usually way more painful than the primary. This second layer of ache comes from telling ourselves how horrible the expertise is that we’re having, the way it shouldn’t have occurred, and so forth. Settle for that it’s OK to really feel the preliminary ache of grief, and also you’re much less possible so as to add that second layer.
Grief is an expression of affection. Grief is how love feels when the article of our love has been taken away. And that’s price making an allowance for. Attempt being conscious of the grief and seeing it as priceless, as a result of it’s love. With out love, there can be no grief. However with out grief, there can be no love. So we’ve got to see grief as being a part of the package deal, so to talk.
You possibly can deal with the ache as an object of mindfulness. What we name “emotional” ache is definitely positioned within the physique. When the thoughts detects that one thing is “flawed,” it sends alerts into the physique, activating ache receptors. The extra you may concentrate on the place these painful emotions are positioned within the physique, the much less your thoughts may have a chance so as to add that second layer of struggling.
You possibly can acknowledge that part of you is struggling, and ship it loving messages. When you’re paying aware consideration to the a part of you that’s struggling (noticing the place within the physique your ache is positioned) you may say issues like “It’s OK. I do know it hurts, however I’m right here for you.” Yow will discover your personal type of phrases if you need.
Lastly, it’s price reminding your self that every one dwelling beings are of the character to die. It’s a pure a part of life. We don’t do that to numb the ache or to make it go away, however to assist put issues in perspective. Right now, 1000’s of individuals are mourning the lack of pets, mother and father, even kids. You’re not alone…
The enlightened really feel grief, however it passes for them extra shortly than it does for us, as a result of they acknowledge that every little thing is impermanent, they usually don’t add that second layer of struggling.
So your grief is pure, however I hope it quickly turns into simpler and simpler to bear.